alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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