Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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