I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
