I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
