Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
