He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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