Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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