I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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