Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
