does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
