Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
