make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
