I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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