oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
