I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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