I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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