You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My bed smells like the plague
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