When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
