You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
