I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
