tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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