i dedicated my morning wood to you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
