meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
