at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
