dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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