I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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