so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
