Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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