why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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