Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
