She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
