The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
