I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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