I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
