I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
