he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
