I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
