so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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