I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
