Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
3 2 1 whiskey
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
