i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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