Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize