I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
