My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
