I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize