I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He uses pillows to masturbate.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
