matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
even my farts smell like vagina
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
