New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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