next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize