So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
