True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
