I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
