saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
