Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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