my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
