I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sobbing to NWA
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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