you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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