just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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