So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
