I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
