I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
