I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
