i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
