Can i not drive my cunt home
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
