fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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