I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
