I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
