I wish I could teleport
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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